Empty Cereal Box

Views From Inside an Adoptee

July 02, 2006


Well, this is July 2, nearly Independence Day. I need to "think out loud" a little today. While I'm doing a yeo(wo)man's (one that performs great and loyal service, as in "did a yeo(wo)man's job in seeing the program through") job of freeing R and myself of an overburden of physical possessions so we can move to Portland, I'm doing a poor job of freeing myself of ideas. I'm doing even worse freeing myself of opinions, which I catalogue and wrestle with abandon here in my cereal box. (Fortunately, readers can click through in two seconds if they don't like the "look" or "feel" of what they see, before they actually read a few lines or even paragraphs. There are just too many other things to see and do on the Internet. But that's freedom in action. Freedom implies choices. But maybe we have too many choices? That's the subject for another post.)

I wonder, though, about how independent we really are because there's a lot at stake here, not only for adoptees, but for everyone on the planet. Adoptees with closed records are basically slaves, as I argued in my Adoption is Unconstitutional post. Here's what Webster's says about INDEPENDENCE:

Not dependent: as : not subject to control by others : SELF-GOVERNING (2) : not affiliated with a larger controlling unit (1): not requiring or relying on something else : not contingent independent conclusion (2) : not looking to others for one's opinions or for guidance in conduct (3) : not bound by or committed to a political party c (1) : not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood) independent of her parents (2) : being enough to free one from the necessity of working for a living man independent means d : showing a desire for freedom independent manner synonym see FREE.
I can tell you that all of my life I've always looked for approval and validation (validity) from other people. I have no idea what it feels like to be "self-contained," and content within myself, regardless of circumstance. If I didn't/don't get validated, I felt/feel lost, alone, invisible, infinitely unreal. I don't know if that's because I'm female in a male-dominant paradigm or because I'm an adoptee, or for both reasons. I think it comes from not having a core self from which to operate. Some who visit this site would argue that that's not true. That all of us have core selves, even adoptees. That's a philosophical argument that I refuse to join because nothing that anyone tells me can substitute my own experience, what I know is true for me, rather than what I believe because someone told me it's so.

Being an adoptee with closed records has, ironically, also made me rebellious. I finally got everyone in my family weaned from television about seven years ago. No longer slaves to that. Now I'm working on changing my OS (operating system) from Windows to Linux, which probably has its own problems, but at least we won't be slaves to Bill Gates.

The next huge umbilical cut from "the system" will be to find a way to live more sustainably with a smaller footprint (wherever we live), i.e., bicycles, public transport, growing food, bartering/trade, permaculture, alternative energy (we have a few diesels for now), steering clear of corporate consumption as much as possible and purchasing goods with alternative and compassionate hearts, etc. One of my other blogs, Winds of Homecoming, is devoted to this mindset.

Yeah, my records were closed, and yeah, I searched and "found," and yeah, I went through a whole second round of rejections because none of what's left of my blood family gives a flying fuck about me. I'm struggling with that and trying to make sense of what's left of my life, on my own terms, despite the deep and relentless ache that reverberates in the emptiness that is supposed to be my "core."

Basically, what I'm suggesting is this: Adoptees with closed records are never going to win substantial change through the court system because the court system is moribund and corrupt. Instead, we need to break free from this enslavement entirely by making a whole new start. We need to begin to think differently. Here are some ideas I came up with. There are many more, although they are all incredibly more difficult to do than to write about:

  • Stop worrying about what others think.
  • Stop being afraid of authority and the rules it imposes on us, rules that imprison us and instead work around them, through them, despite them. "Step over them," as I've heard it phrased.
  • Begin to take our lives into our own hands, to see things as they really are instead of how we are told to see them.
  • This isn't something your parents will tell you, not something you will learn in school or in the universities.
  • This is something called intuition, a much atrophied function that could lead into glimpses of our infinite selves. I know this sounds "way out there," but something in me knows it's true.


Blogger momseekingpeace said...

Hi Marie

Can I get your email again?
I want to forward soemthing to you.


Blogger cloudscome said...

I think you are onto something here. This sounds exciting!

Blogger Marie Jarrell said...

MSP-You can click the button near the top of my sidebar that says "email marie."

Cloudscome-Thanks for stopping by!

Blogger Joy said...

Hi Marie
Just stopping by to say happy independence day.

Blogger HeatherRainbow said...


I am working on trusting my intuition. Too often I don't, because I've been 'educated' to believe that it is "out there". But the more I trust in it, the more at peace I am at.

In terms of Linux, I tried to download it onto my computer, and for some reason it didn't work. I belive in it in theory, but can't yet make it work for me. I don't watch tv. Diesel is something of the future for me, but, I'm totally with you, in all stuffs.

Did you find out anything more re: your father's family?

Blogger Marie Jarrell said...

Heatherrainbow-I tried posting a comment on your site, but the server said "Sorry, unable to complete your request." Yeah, I'm not having much luck with Linux either. I think I have to defrag and partion my hard drive, then upload one of the distro kernals on it. I'm kind of procrastinating now because I'm not sure if that means I'll probably screw things up horribly ;)

Nah, another dead end re my birth father's family. The lady never emailed me back. I give up...


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