Empty Cereal Box

Views From Inside an Adoptee

October 20, 2006

Connections

Okay. I had to get that stuff off my chest in my last post. I didn't mean to be so grim. Guess I'm just feeling really down lately. I hear people talk about craving connection with other people. They say that's one of the biggest cravings of most human beings. I wonder if the Internet is providing some of that connection or if it's actually causing more disconnect. Virtual connection? Jury's still out on that, I think. Face-to-face is the only satisfying connection there is, for me at least. There's nothing that can substitute for it. Just like nothing can substitute for going out into nature or being friends with a real dog or cat, etc.

My older daughter is planning her wedding for next summer. There are five billion things to do, and nothing is cheap. She may go to Greece on her honeymoon. I wish both my girls a long and joyful life. I looked at a photo of my younger daughter the other day. I nearly fell over when I saw how much she looks like my natural mother (I never met her. I only have two blurry snapshots of her and a large black and white taken a few years before she died). I couldn't take my eyes off her smile and her eyes. I told her once that she was her grandmother who came back to challenge me and keep me from doing stupid things. She rolled her eyes and said, "Whatever, Mom." No one understands how much I need to make some connection somewhere, to make some sense out of my life. That's okay. I can't expect anyone to understand.

Guess I'm still down. I guess I'd better go take some St. John's Wort. Or get drunk. Or both.

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