Empty Cereal Box

Views From Inside an Adoptee

May 02, 2006

Dis-connected

Geez. I just have to get more exercise, that's all there is to it. Too much blogging is bad for a girl's figure.

My mind is scattered this morning, so I'm afraid I'm not going to be all that coherent. Probably because R and I hauled about seven tons of earth and sand for a solid three days during our continuing chain gang efforts to fill in the huge crevasse made to lay the sewer line. Tomorrow Mr. Inspector Smarty Pants will lean his face down into the abyss and offer his rectally correct opinion on our labor and give us the thumbs up or thumbs down. If the latter, I will be inclined to fling myself into the aforementioned crevasse. I'm surprisingly un-weary this morning despite all that grueling labor, however. I must have come from sturdy peasant stock. But we'll never know, will we?

I just finished breakfast of eggs, toast, and decaf tea. I got off caffeine last year after a life-long addiction that originated when I was around three years old when my a-grandfather used to serve me mugs of milk laced with coffee, his second favorite beverage. His favorite beverage was some brown liquor he kept under the kitchen sink and guzzled in the wee hours while my a-grandmother slept. He also smoked partial cigarettes on the frong porch, stubbed them out, and deposited them in his pants pockets to save for later before going in the house. He smelled like a walking ashtray. Anyway, this unemployed adoptee is now fueled to add another blog entry.

On to another subject, as I read blogs I'm always struck by the need for audience. Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame. Everyone craves attention, including me. We all want people to visit our blogs, read them, and make return visits, ideally leaving behind comments as they go, like trails of digital breadcrumbs. I find it interesting how addictive it is to read my traffic stats to determine who from where read what and for how long. I'm thinking how desperately we all need to be noticed, how we long to connect, as I wrote yesterday. It used to be we connected in the marketplace or the plaza. We had huge extended families, and people loved and bickered and aired their laundry face to face in real time and in real places. It's clear that over time we have all been separated to weaken our connections so that we don't rise up en masse against our masters. Here I'm thinking Homeland Security and all of its implications...
[T]he Home Front is something of a fiction and lie, designed, not too subtly, to draw [us] apart, to subvert love in favor of work, abstraction, required pain, bitter death. (Pynchon)

Oh, and allow me to add the enforced poverty that makes young women 1) see themselves as inferior and 2) give up their babies...yeah, and there's that. So, I've been seeing a parallel to this craving for connection to what it feels like [*cat screetch*] EVERY FREAKING DAY OF AN ADOPTEE'S LIFE. Hello.

4 Comments:

Blogger Rhonda said...

On to another subject, as I read blogs I'm always struck by the need for audience.

Funny, I was gearing up to write about this very same subject. I tell myself putting my writing in a public forum is about purging "stuff" from within me . . . right before I check the good ol' hit meter. Again.

I don't think craving external validation is something anyone can get entirely away from. But I also think it's especially tempting for anyone with a damaged self-worth to rely too heavily on it.

Of course, I'm immune from nothing I've said ;o)

2.5.06  
Blogger Marie Jarrell said...

Rhonda--Thanks for your visit! Yeah, it's like this incredibly indelible itch to keep checking to see if we're worthy. And who's opinion are we going to believe, anyway? Of course you don't have to be an adoptee to crave validation. Anyone with "damaged self-worth" can qualify. Maybe that's why blogging is my new addiction. And those 0 comments are like mini rejections again, especially when people like, oh say, dooce gets triple-digit comments. GAAAH! I need therapy real bad.

2.5.06  
Blogger Kippa Herring said...

Why, hello there.
My opinion's worth doodly-squat, but I have to confess I do like your blog. And your style.
It's not that, as per "Being There", I just "like to watch".
It's just that, what with everything, I don't always have the wherewithall to respond to some of your more profound (a.k.a. "gloomy") essays.
But I promise us both that one day I will.
That's a threat :-)

2.5.06  
Blogger Marie Jarrell said...

Kippa-Your opinion is just as valid as anyone else's. This isn't a fact-based news or scholarly site, that's for sure. Lurkers welcome. You noticed that I have a split personality? Very observant ;) Adoptees have to be the world's best shape-shifters--a defense mechanism we acquire in the harrowing wilds of not knowing who we are.

3.5.06  

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