Empty Cereal Box

Views From Inside an Adoptee

April 10, 2006

Fine, I'll Do It Myself

I just answered a comment that said, in effect, "just get over it." "It" being my adoption issues. The commenter claims that I can choose to heal or choose to be miserable. I followed the blog link and what I noticed is that the writer is a Christian, the same religion that tells gay people that they can change if they want to. WTF? The comment tells me that its writer (also an adoptee) has a very narrow way of thinking about and seeing the world. It seems to me that we need to create a larger view of the world, not a smaller one.

Adoptees have always been told who we are in a society that has always told its members what to think. We are told to be grateful and nmoms are told that their life will be easier if they give up their own child. Here's what kim.kim, an nmom, wrote on her blog:

"I still am haunted by the social worker who sat on my hospital bed and pushed me and made me feel like I was being weak for wanting to keep her. She kept saying it would get harder and harder and harder if I kept her and easier and easier if I didn't. She made me feel that if I kept her I would ruin my life. Quite the opposite actually."

The way I see it is that we adoptees and nmoms are being proactive by writing blogs and having discussions about what's been stagnating inside of us outside, for so long. Finally getting it out, getting validated (adoptees need tons of validation, sorry but it goes with the territory) that we aren't certifiable. We are justifiably enraged.

I began my blog about two weeks ago, and already I've been learning more about myself and others who understand the feelings than at any time in my life. I don't know what it is I'm looking for yet, since I already came to the end of my search and discovered that there is to be no healing there. I had thought that finding my nfamily would help me heal the bottomless void, but that isn't to be. So I'm trying something else.

"Fine! I'll do it myself!" it says at fidim.com. "It's more than an acronym. It's a way of life. When everyone tells you it can't be done and no one is willing to help there's nothing else to do but go forward on your own, get the job done, and keep all the spoils for yourself." FIDIM. What doesn't kill you defines you. I hope they don't mind if I borrow their acronym. I'm gonna need it.

I was going to ask the question, "Why does adoption even exist?" today, but that will have to wait until tomorrow.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

# Cookie Says:
April 10th, 2006 at 5:32 pm e

Adoption began to provide homes for babies and children who needed them. And sometimes (in rare cases) babies and children really can not stay with their bio families.

However, adoption flourishes and thrives for one simple reason. Money. Somewhere along the way greedy people figured out that there is a lot of money to be made in adoption. And somewhere along the way people began to seek out women to relinquish babies.

Welcome to the world of blogging about adoption. As to the person who told you to “get over it” or “heal” - talking about your issues, writing about them and feeling them is how we heal. You cannot just pop up one day and magically be healed. It takes a great deal of long hard work. There is no way around it.

Probably your commenter is in denial that they themselves even have any issues. I consider those who acknowledge and work on issues much healthier than people who pretend.

Blogger Marie Jarrell said...

# Todd Says:
April 11th, 2006 at 12:26 pm e

I find it interesting that you, “throw the baby out with the bath water,” based solely on the fact the writer of the now infamous, “get over it,” quote (which they clearly never said) is a Christian. You mention the intolerance of the faith of adoptedlife with giant brushstroke of biggotry on your part.

Practice what you preach.

Blogger Marie Jarrell said...

# emptycerealbox Says:
April 11th, 2006 at 12:48 pm e

I think that anyone who is telling me to make a choice for change is preaching to me to “get over it.” The poster assumes that what works for her will work for me. I’ve found that to be the case with Christians I’ve met. If you call that “a giant brushstroke of biggotry” then you, like the poster, are telling me to deny my own experience. I don’t see that I have any choice between changing and being miserable, and that’s the bottom line. Please show me where I’m preaching to anyone.


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